Tamaki's Guide on How To be the Best Lover Ever
by Wondering What Breakfast Is
Summary: I, Mr. Seventy percent customer rate, have decided to write a guide for all the men of the world who need a kick in the butt, and for the women who'd like to kick them. TamaKyou mentions, plus other pairings. Tamakicentric. Read and review!


Tamaki Suoh.

The name alone makes you think "Wow. That is one hell of a name. I bet it belongs to some amazingly handsome French man who can make both guys and girls swoon.

"And he's got the most amazing head of hair ever. And did I say he's gorgeous? Because he so is."

Wow... I would want to date this Tamaki guy. I mean, if that's the kind of visions his name alone evokes, imagine what you would think when you saw him in real life. You'd definitely want that sexy man beast in your pants, right? I don't care if you're a straight male, I know you're lusting after him too. EVERYONE is.

Perfection like Tamaki is ALWAYS lusted after.

See, now, you're in luck, because I'm going to teach you how to land amazing men like Tamaki Suoh. (I'M TALKING TO YOU KYOUYA, YOU EMO BASTARD. Tamaki wants sex from you.) I'm going to teach you tricks that only blonde, sexy, amazingly gorgeous French men would know.

Tricks that only blonde, sexy, amazingly gorgeous French men like myself would...

SHIT. I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT. Oh well, we can skip the insanely formal introductions. Gah, hate those. They make me feel like Kyouya. Stiff bastard. Oh, no. Not like that. If it were like that, I wouldn't have time to write a guide on how to be the best lover ever.

Hikaru and Kaoru alternately titled this guide "How To Be So Gay It Makes Rainbows Cry", but I say they're just jealous of my insanely good looks, and my seventy percent request rate. I'm telling you, everyone wants a piece of this! And if you don't, you obviously are not human. Or living. Or both.

So I, the sexiest half-Frenchman ever give you this:

**TAMAKI'S GUIDE ON HOW TO BE THE BEST LOVER EVER**

Great title, right? It starts with my name, of course it's great! Now, this guide has to be followed like it's law. You drift off the course... Well, good luck getting laid. Because this guide is going to be written mostly for guys, because anything with a penis (besides myself) thinks with said penis, any female who reads this should print this out and use it to determine if your man is up to Tamaki standards. If he's not, then have fun bitching at each other for the rest of your sad miserable married lives.

But I'm sure Mr. Non-Tamaki will give you beautiful children! Just not as beautiful as the children we could produce.

So, anyway, this guide is helpful for everyone, therefore, EVERYONE must read it. So learn from your wise teacher, and you shall be happy. Forever. With lots of sex. Because sex equals happiness.

And that's what we learn in Japanese schools. Or at least, that's what I get from the lesson. I'm thinking that's probably not the right thing to say to the public, but bah. I'm too amazing to get flamed or sued.

ANYWAY, (I'm getting off track. BUT PAY ATTENTION TO EVERY WORD I SAY.) here are the rules on how to be the best, or really second best because I am the best, lover ever.

1. Be French

2. Be Blonde

3. be AMAZING

4. Be NIIIICE

5. ..... Revise Number Four

6. Pick Up Sticks

7. Dress Classy

8. Charm/Chivalry

9. Fat girls are people too

10. OWN UP.

And those are my rules. I suggest you start living by number five as that is...

THESE AREN'T MY RULES. I'm going to KILL Hikaru! And Kaoru! THOSE DEVILS.

Anyway, here are my new rules.

1. Always look your best.  
2. Play on your strengths  
3. Never have low self esteem. (Girls do not like that. Unless you start crying. and even then KEEP IT UNDER CONTROL.)  
4. Always be kind.  
5. I STILL DON'T HAVE A RULE HERE.  
6. ... Pick up sticks. (That actually was on my original list.. heh.)  
7. Think Bond. James Bond.

Okay, I'm now lazy, so 8, 9, and 10 are the same.

8. Be charming/Chivalrous  
9. Fat girls are people too. (They are. really. So love them and their curves. And their cute chubby cheeks.)  
10. OWN UP.

And just one extra one...

11. STOP BITCHING AND BE A MAN.

Each rule will be covered in depth, with funny little anecdotes to back them up, okay? I don't leave my worshi-- I mean, fellow men hanging...

If you have questions, I WILL have answers. Even if the ladies need a tip or two, I am here! Because that is what a lovely man does. He helps everyone. Which is basically like being Google with legs.

For Google helps all.

**xoxo**

_**Small little author's note: Hello, Tamaki here! Your regularly scheduled author, Wondering What Breakfast Is, or Julia as some call her, is giving me a chance to write a story on her profile! Isn't she so nice? So anything relating to this guide is directed at moi, and not the other lovely.**_

Now, don't put your questions in reviews! Put them in PMs or even in an e-mail! (To Julia, sadly, as I don't have one...) I will respond graciously to every one of them! Unless you insult my dashing good looks. Then I will not reply as graciously.

Reviews are much appriciated, and if you get your questions in before the next chapter of my guide is up, you just might have it answered!

(also thank you to the beautiful LiKe A dRuG, AKA Dibby, who helped me start this. I'd marry her if I didn't love Kyouya so much. I love you, my princess!)

--Tamaki

P.S. There's no 'self-help' genre on Fanfiction... Now I have no idea where to put this guide! Oh dear...


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